Weapon class

Southern twat

Used by

Margaret Thatcher

Joe is a lad that lives somewhere in the United Kingdom (probably down south) with his friend, and possibly lover, Ted "Teddington" Crusty. Joe often falls victim to horrific deaths as a result of doing ordinary everyday activities, such as mowing a lawn or opening the gates of Hell in his back garden, and usually suffers injuries involving mutilation at the torso, and the loss of his head and hands.

Curiously, Ted almost always leaves Joe unsupervised whilst he performs these actions, often leading to Ted's discovery of Joe's remains, followed by a humbling, yet tragic, sigh of Hnnnnnngg no.

Despite apparently dying over 200 times, Joe constantly reappears and does not learn from his mistakes. 

List of deaths:

  • Eaten by sheep
  • Shredded by lawnmower

    Joe is immolated after falling victim to an accident involving the Olympic Torch.

  • Crushed by cupboard
  • Committed suicide after being Rick Roll'd
  • Vapourised by apocalyptic asteroid
  • Sucked into hurricane
  • Succumbed to the gates of Hell
  • Hit by oversized BB pellet
  • Cut in half by an invisible cheese wire
  • Mutilated by blender
  • Annihilated by accelerating Higgs-Boson particle
  • Abducted by UFO
  • Drowned in industrial gallons of Mr. Mash Instant mash potato (now with 99% real potato)
  • Fell off trampoline
  • Killed multiple times by gang members in disguise
  • Burned by Olympic Torch
  • Crashed in bicycle accident
  • Crushed to death by Justin Bieber
  • Committed suicide after viewing 2 Girls, 1 Cup
  • Attacked by crudely-rendered 3D dragon
  • Teleported in the firing line of an AK-47 assault rifle
  • Mowed down by MG-42 machinegun
  • Crushed to death by log
  • Hit by wrench
  • Stabbed by Gingerbread Man whilst offloading some dodgy viagra
  • Hit the deck hard after bungee jump accident
  • Spun out of control whilst training to by an astronaut
  • Crushed by a solved Rubik's Cube after being mistaken for a vampire by a Van Helsing lookalike
  • Crushed under vast amounts of fish