Joe

	Joe
Weapon class	Southern twat
Used by	Margaret Thatcher

Joe is a lad that lives somewhere in the United Kingdom (probably down south) with his friend, and possibly lover, Ted "Teddington" Crusty. Joe often falls victim to horrific deaths as a result of doing ordinary everyday activities, such as mowing a lawn or opening the gates of Hell in his back garden, and usually suffers injuries involving mutilation at the torso, and the loss of his head and hands.

Curiously, Ted almost always leaves Joe unsupervised whilst he performs these actions, often leading to Ted's discovery of Joe's remains, followed by a humbling, yet tragic, sigh of Hnnnnnngg no.

Despite apparently dying over 200 times, Joe constantly reappears and does not learn from his mistakes.

List of deaths:

Eaten by sheep
Shredded by lawnmower

Joe is immolated after falling victim to an accident involving the Olympic Torch.
Crushed by cupboard
Committed suicide after being Rick Roll'd
Vapourised by apocalyptic asteroid
Sucked into hurricane
Succumbed to the gates of Hell
Hit by oversized BB pellet
Cut in half by an invisible cheese wire
Mutilated by blender
Annihilated by accelerating Higgs-Boson particle
Abducted by UFO
Drowned in industrial gallons of Mr. Mash Instant mash potato (now with 99% real potato)
Fell off trampoline
Killed multiple times by gang members in disguise
Burned by Olympic Torch
Crashed in bicycle accident
Crushed to death by Justin Bieber
Committed suicide after viewing 2 Girls, 1 Cup
Attacked by crudely-rendered 3D dragon
Teleported in the firing line of an AK-47 assault rifle
Mowed down by MG-42 machinegun
Crushed to death by log
Hit by wrench
Stabbed by Gingerbread Man whilst offloading some dodgy viagra
Hit the deck hard after bungee jump accident
Spun out of control whilst training to by an astronaut
Crushed by a solved Rubik's Cube after being mistaken for a vampire by a Van Helsing lookalike
Crushed under vast amounts of fish
TO BE FINISHED EVENTUALLY (never)

Joe

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